Hold On
by flashpenguin
Summary: Continuation of "Imaginary Lover" on "M" related page. Was JJ real or part of Dave's fantasy? The answer is here. Inspired by the Carlos Santana song "Hold On".


_A continuation of "Imaginary Lover". Was JJ a dream or was she real? This will explain all. It's not necessary to read the first story to read this. I don't know if there will be another after this one. Of course since my brain is always running a hundred miles a second anything is possible._

_I don't own Criminal Minds._

_Song Prompt: "Hold On" by Santana_

* * *

**Hold On**

Dave got ready for bed. It had been a long two weeks of crime running so rampant that he had nearly forgotten what his bed felt like. Pulling the down comforter back, his body anticipated the comfort his custom made mattress was going to give him. Though he would rather have the comfort she could give him instead.

Settling under the covers, he got comfortable and tried to close his eyes and relax. Unfortunately relaxation wasn't in the cards. He didn't need a good mattress; he needed her. He needed her body. Her warmth. Her love.

He had hoped she would show up tonight. It had been so long since he had touched her and held that he was begin to forget the little things about her that made her unique to any other woman he had ever loved or made love to.

How many times had he called her name out? How many times had he tried to get her to see it from his point of view? But nothing seemed to work. He didn't want to believe that she was in the same league as all the others…leaving him to suffer after driving him to brink of no return. But this time it was different because she had actually driven him over the edge.

Settling back, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out. He felt himself start to drift off. Maybe she would come tonight. Maybe…

Something was touching his face. It took a moment to come back and realize that it wasn't a something; it was her. A feather soft touch. Her touch. She had come after all.

Struggling to come awake, he rubbed his eyes and tried to see her in the darkness of the room. As his eyes adjusted he waited for the moonlight to cast her body in silhouette so he could see her better.

"Jen?"

"Hi Dave," she greeted softly and stroked his cheek.

"You came."

"I did."

"I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to come back to see me."

"Dave, you know I couldn't leave you. At least not without saying good-bye first."

"I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

"Why?" Jen asked.

Dave sat up and looked at her. "Because I don't want you to leave."

She gave him a gentle smile. "Sometimes what we want doesn't matter. Sometimes you have to let people go."

"I can't just let you go; I'm selfish Jen, you know that."

Her eyes met his. "Yes, I do. Probably more than anyone else, I know how you can hold on to something or someone like a life line."

"Unless it's a wife…" Dave groused.

Jen's gentle chuckle warmed him. "True."

The quiet filled the room as a soft breeze moved the curtains.

"Does Will know you're here?" Dave questioned. He needed to know if the man she had chosen to spend her life with knew about the other guy she spent her night with.

"Does it matter?"

"I would like to think that Will doesn't know about the other guy in your life."

"I never would have thought that David Rossi would _want_ to be a secret. I thought you would like to rub everyone's nose in the truth and to hell with the consequences."

"People change," was Dave's simple reply. "So, does he know?"

"I suspect he thinks something is up because I'm not always there."

"I wish there was a way you could stay with me all the time."

Jen took Dave's hand in hers and stroked it gently with her thumb. She loved his hands- their feel, their texture, their size…the way they used to drive her wild. "You know that isn't possible."

"Why not?"

"Dave, we talked about this before. I have…other people in my life who need me too. People who love me and need me. I can't just turn my back on them."

"I saw you first."

"Possessiveness is not a good trait of yours." She kissed his hand lightly. "How come you never felt like this toward your ex wives?"

"Probably because I didn't love them the way I love you."

Jen caught her breath. "You love me?" He had never said the words out loud before.

"What's wrong? You don't believe me?"

"I believe you; I just never thought I'd hear you say it out loud."

"Miracles can still happen."

"When it comes to you, then yes."

"I'm a wealth of surprises."

"I know you still pray."

Dave paused. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"A lot. I don't think you've become the jaded fool you want people to think you are."

"If you don't stay with me, I might become that jaded fool."

"I doubt that."

"It's true," Dave argued.

"Anything can be true if you will it."

"Then I will you to stay with me."

Jen shook her head. "Dave, it's not that easy."

"Why not? You used to come to me every night. Now I feel as though you are fitting me in around your schedule."

"That isn't true."

"I love you. Doesn't that mean anything…to you? It does to me." He didn't want to plead, but he was desperate. She couldn't leave him now that he realized how much he needed her.

"It means everything. But I think the love you feel for me is part guilt."

"No it isn't."

"Really?" Jen watched him struggle for a response. "You mean to tell me that you stopped feeling guilty?"

"No," Dave responded quietly.

"Dave, you weren't responsible for that bullet hitting me."

"Yes I was! I should have been paying attention! I wasn't doing my job!"

"You did everything you were supposed to; you couldn't predict that the UNSUB we were tracking was carrying a gun."

"I should have done a deeper profile on him. I should have seen that he was going to snap."

"Hotch didn't see it. Even Morgan whose cop instinct is dead on almost all the time missed it."

"Jen, don't say dead."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything but that word."

"You can't change what happened. Beating yourself up for something beyond your control isn't going to change the fact that I…"

Dave felt a tear slip from his eye. "Don't say it!"

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. You have nothing to feel sorry for."

"But you do? You don't strike me as a hypocrite."

"Why did you come to me if I wasn't guilty for what happened?"

"Because you needed me."

"But you let me fantasize…about you…about us…all of those time."

"I let you have me the best way I could to help you thru this."

"I desecrated your memory."

"No you didn't. Everyone has their own way of working thru things. Hotch drinks and pushes everyone away and Morgan tears down houses. You use sex."

"I wish I was tearing down houses."

"I like being part of your fantasies."

"Then why are you leaving me?"

Jen chose her words carefully. "I'm not leaving you; I'm moving on to other things. I have other people I have to help out. I still have to help Em and PG thru their grief."

"They've been holding up pretty well."

"Honestly Dave, they haven't. Emily hasn't slept since the funeral and Pen cries herself to sleep every night."

Dave looked down. "I didn't know."

"I have to help them; they're my friends too."

"You're not going to help them the way you help me?"

Jen laughed. "No. This fantasy is yours alone."

"That's good to hear. You belong to me."

"A part of me always will."

"I want all of you."

"I know. But parts of me belong to Will and Henry. And even though I know you don't care for Will, you would never deny Henry."

"True."

The soft midnight breeze stirred the trees and chilled the air in the room. "Dave, what's really wrong?"

"I'm scared."

"Why?"

"Because…I…I see how fragile life is and I see the mistakes I've made, but it was you who was taken away. You never did anything wrong. You never broke the rules like I did, but you were punished."

"It wasn't a punishment. It was my destiny."

"It should have been mine."

"You would have stepped in front of a bullet for me?" She brushed his hair back. She was going to miss him so much. She wanted to memorize every line, every wrinkle, every look on his face. She wanted to memorize him.

"Surprised?"

"A little. But I don't know if it makes me feel better. You would have been gone too, and the team would be suffering twice as much grief because they wouldn't have their rock to help them through."

"I'm nobody's rock."

"Yes you are. You've been there for Hotch and Reid. You've done everything you could to help Morgan. You are their island."

"I don't want to be anyone's island."

"Would you have been mine?"

"Yes." There was nothing he wouldn't have done for her.

"What's the difference?" Jen leaned forward. She held his face in her hands. "Dave, you have to let me go. You have to move on."

"I can't."

"You can. You have to."

"No. I want to be able to feel you. To talk to you like we are right now. I want to feel you touch me."

"I can still do it. I just won't be doing it as often as before."

Dave got quiet. "Will I ever be able to see you again?"

"Someday."

"A fancy word for no."

"Maybe. Maybe not. You still have the memories. And I'm always going to be in your heart."

"That's a small comfort."

"Perhaps. But it's a comfort. You should get some sleep."

"I can't. I don't want to close my eyes and know that when I wake up you're going to be gone."

"I'm going to be gone either way."

"I know." Dave paused for a second. "Can I hold you one more time?"

"Do you think that's wise?"

"Hell, I don't know anything anymore Jen. I just know that if I'm going to spend the rest of my life aching for your touch, I want to hold you one more time so I can burn that feeling in my memory."

"Okay." Wrapping her arms around him, she pressed herself close to him. "Feel better?"

"I'll never feel 'better', but yes." Dave stroked her hair. "Remember those nights I snuck into your motel room?"

"I think I did a little sneaking of my own too."

"Who would have thought that Jennifer Jareau could be naughty?" He brushed her bangs back from her eyes- those beautiful baby blue eyes he had lost himself in so many times…too many times to count. What he'd give to drown in them one more time.

"You did." Her smile enveloped him in warmth and security.

"I did." Dave tightened his grip. "I don't regret it."

"I know. You kept the pillow, didn't you?"

"I had to. I don't have much else of you. I had to keep the one thing you used to lay your head on."

"I know."

"It still has your perfume on it."

"I know." She knew. She knew everything about him. Dave leaned back. Jen repositioned herself so her heart rested on his chest. The soft thumping of his heart filled her ear. He was so alive. So real. It was so unfair. "I'm going to have to leave."

"A few more minutes Jen." He needed a miracle.

"Just a few." She listened for the change in his breathing. He was beginning to drift off. Just a little while longer, then she could leave.

"I don't want to let you go," Dave murmured as sleep overwhelmed his senses.

"I'll always be here if you need me." She stroked his cheek softly. A single tear ran down her cheek.

"I know. Just call your name." His words came from so far away. Sleep was so close. Another minute and she knew he was going to surrender.

Leaning down, Jen gently kissed his lips. So sweet. So gentle. So brief. "I love you David Rossi. I always will."

"I love you too."

His breathing evened out as his chest rose and fell. He was asleep. Finally. This was what she wanted because she could never leave while he was awake.

Getting up from the bed, she watched him sleep. She had all the time in the world and she could watch him forever, but it was time for her to leave. The dawn was beginning to break. The mist of the night before was disappearing. It was telling her to hurry.

"I'll be waiting for you," she whispered softly in his ear. The dawn beaconed. She had to go.

One last touch. One last look. One last kiss good-bye. Then she closed her eyes and faded with the mist.  
*******

_Don't rush me just this once  
I want to make this moment last  
Slow down the pace, there's no hurry  
I cant let another pass by me again  
Let me be the one to say when I've had enough_

_Just let me close my eyes, memorize_  
_The way things are this minute_  
_So when you're gone I can go on_  
_If memory can hold within it what I'm feeling_  
_Should time try fading or stealing something away_  
_  
__CHORUS:  
Hold on, nothing's the same  
Tell me why I feel this way  
Life wouldn't be worth living without you  
All along I've been the pretender  
But now that's gone forever  
Nobody's ever loved me like you do  
Nobody's broken through_

_Got to concentrate, file away_  
_Every last detail_  
_Don't want to lost what's going down_  
_I want to remember everything I'm feeling_  
_Should time try fading or stealing something away_

_CHORUS_


End file.
